panic.

In Iron Man 3, Tony Stark suffers a couple of short lived seconds of extreme, out of control panic.  I can't even begin to describe how jealous I am that his panic attacks last only seconds.  He gets to run from nothing for a couple of seconds and then he decompresses and equalizes back to normal.

I've been having panic attacks since I was 11 years old.  I remember the first one like it was last week. It was a cool, grey October day.  I had gone to the corn maze with my youth group.  My friends decided that they all loved the weird kid's dad and chose him as their chaperone that day.  I'm sure he was as surprised as I.  I was not pleased and kept my distance- you know- the apple doesn't fall to far from the tree.  Then we went home.  The sky was still grey and my dad made pork chops on the grill for dinner.  I didn't feel right.  [background: I have a severe, irrational fear of vomiting.  Ask my friends, family, co-workers, nursing instructors from 4 years ago.  It's intense.  I learned this year that it's called emetophobia and there are other people like me, halleluja!] 

So, didn't feel right.  The pork chops.  I think I tried to eat them, but they didn't taste right so I didn't finish them.  I thought I was going to vomit so I ended up  in my parent's bathroom sitting in front of the toilet crying and gasping for air.  Unhinged.  My dad sat with me trying to calm me down.  He was wearing his red sweatshirt with two dueling knights on it.  It smelled like charcoal and grilled pork chops.  Eventually I got my wits about me and was able to relax, but with apprehension.

My mom is convinced that was when my celiac disease started.  I tend to agree with her.  I lost 8 pounds as an already skinny sixth grader.  I went to the doctor on numerous occasions for complaints of nausea and stomach issues.  And my mom had to call my teacher to tell him that I was having some problems eating and if at any time during the day I was hungry, he was to allow me to eat whatever I wished out of my lunch box.  He was a peach and did and I eventually ate lunch at the proper time.  And went back to gaining adequate weight.

Fast forward almost fourteen years [sigh, I'm getting so old] and I still experience panic attacks.  The complete unhinged feeling, like I can't hold onto myself. Something else has control of by body and I'm inside trying however I can to gain back control. I have gone for months without them in the past, but lately they've been frequenting my life.  Ever since my ovarian cyst ruptured they have increased dramatically.  I'm nervous every time I go to work.  Every time I'm in the car.  Every time I'm anywhere that isn't "safe".  Whatever that means.  I go today for my first visit to an acupuncture specialist in Dubuque.  Acupuncture has helped in the past, hopefully it will help again.  

My anxiety issues are part of why I started eating vegan.  I can't say that it has helped yet, but is hasn't hurt either.  I had to leave work today because I had a panic attack at my desk.  This has got to stop.  It stops today.  [It started stopping yesterday and last week and two months ago too, but seriously.]