email of desperation

I sent this to my mom last night.  It explains how crazy pregnancy hormones are.

[censored version]

The following are reasons why I am going to lose my $h!7:

1. The faucet drip drip dripping. It's becoming more frequent and louder. It's like the crocodile with the clock in his belly and I'm Captain Hook. My mustache is twitching.

2. I have an intense amount of acid that's trying to make me vomit. Every burp is perilous. I took a tums. The 34$74rd was orange flavored. I hate orange flavor.

3. Did I tell you I bombed a quiz today. I'm so pissed about it.

4. My stove. The jerk stays clean for 5 minutes and then is dirty again. Why did anyone think white appliances were a good idea.

5. I'm gestating a baboon. He is swinging off my entrails like they're vines. Also he has the hiccups again. Their rhythm doesn't match the dripping of the faucet. Which. Makes. Me. Crazy.

6. I cleaned out three dresser drawers tonight, but my dang closet is still making me crazy.

7. Everything hurts. Every time I move, it hurts.

8. Laundry. I did four loads today and I already have another load I could do tomorrow. And I never change clothes. So is lady wearing my clothes??

9. I'm so jacked up right now that all I can think about is how bad I want to clean. Kitchen cabinet overhaul namely. And I want to scrub under my house plants [what the heck?!?] but I am also tired.

Seriously though. I might be up in the middle of the night scrubbing under houseplants.

Can I be done being pregnant now?

Drip.

Drip.
Hiccup.

Drip.

Hicdripcup.

Losing. My. $h!7. Up. In. Here.